Complicated family explanations

 

 

 

 

 

Complicated family explanations

 

So I come from a BIG family. Big being…… divorced family and getting bigger by the means of half and whole siblings. But I really don’t find it that big of a deal. According to me I have 2 sisters. One older and one younger. The others just fall into the category of people you act polite around once or twice a year. In saying that I feel I have grown up pretty normal. My step Dad has always just been Dad. The only thing that bothered me about the situation is that I was never able to just call him Dad. I used his name anything else just seemed weird. But he has a very unusual name so in saying that I feel that maybe that was just another name for Dad. He raised me since age 3. My mother is amazing and she is one of my best friends. Even in high school when you don’t tell your parents things because you don’t want them to be ashamed of you? I told her almost everything. Yep…It was pretty normal. And why wouldn’t I think that? I don’t know another way. So normal for me.

When I met my husband, his family was still married well rounded 1950’s Norman Rockwell type shit. And no kidding! They didn’t get my sarcasm about things. Making jokes about the extended family and tho I have never been ashamed of where I came from or how I was brought up picture perfect was something new to me. I (and for those of you that know me well) I make jokes and say weird things when put into a high pressure situation. I think back now and how odd I must have looked joking about things that would be devastating for most people but over the years they just got use to it and loved me for me for who I was. Sarcasm is just now expected. Anyways…. When I tried to explain my family to them….. You know who married who and who was related to who the look on their face was priceless. I mean it was normal for me and after all I can’t help where I came from and to tell you the truth I wouldn’t have changed anything about it. I love my step Dad as my father my sisters are awesome and my mom is way cool. I didn’t think this was a bad thing. EVER! This is MY normal. Not picture perfect no….but normal so I never gave it a second thought.

It was when my son got older I didn’t get away with explaining everything so basic. See to my son Grandpa is not step Grandpa he is his one and only grandpa on my side. He never really met my real father and I liked it that way. My real dad who I’m sure has some great quality’s is basically a sperm donor. He is a very selfish person and used silly excuses to get out of seeing me as a kid so I basically just didn’t care.  Happy for the genetics but I’m happy with my Step Dad.  My son knows the Norman Rockwell side. Grandma and Grandpa and his 2 aunts. And why shouldn’t he it is (and without logistics) is what it is.

So my husband and I were talking one night about my side of the family. My son walked into the room and its no big secret so we kinda kept talking. I never sat down with him to explain things because let’s face it you really have to think for a bit to understand who is who. Anyways….He looks at me with this shocked look on his face. “momma so Grandpa is not my real Grandpa” He looked devastated more than he had ever looked. I tried to explain to him how much he loves him and that yes he is your grandpa and he will always be and he loves us both very ,very much.  He was satisfied with that for a bit and then asked about my half sister. “so, she’s not my real aunt?”  “no, she is and she loves you very much” So then he asked where his “real” grandpa was. I was about to explain to him that is was love that made a parent or grandparent and that is was not blood but I knew he wouldn’t understand. This child has never been disappointed in his life. Everyone has always  made time for him always loved him how do I explain to him that my real father or his real grandfather doesn’t love like we do and would not and will not make time for him no matter how many promises he makes. I was disappointed by him so much as a child and I guess that’s why I kept him from my son. You know…..always wanting better for your children. It wasn’t even that I had to try hard to keep my son from him. In the 8 ½ years since my son had been born he has seen him twice. Once when he was born and once at my wedding. He had never and I mean NEVER made an attempt to see him. I never wanted him to feel how he was feeling at this moment asking me these questions. He asked why he wasn’t around and where he was and what he looked like all of these things that had never mattered to me before. I gave him the answers I could. And said these words. “well I think your grandpa loves you as much as he is able to but sometimes grownups do silly things we don’t understand” He got up and ran to his room very happy with that answer and told me he wanted to call Grandpa (step grandpa) tonight to tell him how much he misses him. It was then when he was walking back to his room when I realized I was telling my son the same words my Mother use to tell me. We are both making excuses for this grown man. We are surrounded by people who love us and maybe that’s why we can’t explain him. Whatever the case I became so mad. When you become a parent the love that you give your children is so much and so unselfish. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my child and I wouldn’t even have to think about it. The same I feel my mom and “step” Dad feel about me. It’s just a given that when they are born you would die for them. I never understood and have NEVER made excuses for people who don’t do that. I also hate parents who use their kids to punish the other parent. It sickens me. My mother could have taken the easy road out and told us growing up what my Dad was like. She NEVER said one word bad about him. She had to make up for a lot of his mistakes but never told us anything negative about him. When he was supposed to pick us up but never showed she would take us to a movie. When he would call and cancel plans she made new ones.  When I asked her about that when I got older why she just didn’t say he was selfish and she said…  “I love you girls more than myself and I wanted you to have the best life and I wanted to give him every opportunity to change. Life is short and I didn’t want my opinion of him to become your opinion of him. Part of growing up is making choices good and bad. You are old enough to understand that now. His bad choices are his fault not yours or mine. No matter how much you want to you can’t change a person. They are who they are and you are who you are and I love you.”

This man could reject me but not my son. I just wouldn’t allow it. I went into my son’s room and explained to him about all the people that love him so much. I used some of my Mom’s wisdom and  I focused on the good and not the bad. In all my 29 years I can’t explain nor understand why people act the way they do. I had to pull away from maybe the rejection I was feeling and look at my/our life now. So it’s not Norman Rockwell but it’s MY Norman Rockwell repainted.

I’m not unlucky in the fact of any of my situations. I’m happy my real dad is my birth father because I got some very loving family out of it. My aunt and my uncle (dad’s brother) who I know would do anything for me if I asked. They love me and I have always felt that way. My Great grandma (yes I said great and that would be my son’s Great great grandma) who has always loved me no matter what and is probably the most unselfish person I know! I’m so lucky and I believe when my son is old enough he will really understand he how lucky he is to have so many people loving him.

I honestly don’t think in this day and age there is a” normal” I feel if you surround yourself by people who love you for just being you that is enough. So thank you for everyone who has ever loved me. Sounds corny but I honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

My son & Grandpa :-)