Why Can't I Shut UP?

 

 

Why Can't I Shut UP?

 

 

There is one thing about me I think people who know me really well know, and that is that I can’t shut up. (Hence the blog) but, no really. Whenever I am put into awkward situations I panic and automatically have to try to tell a joke. Sometimes they make sense sometimes they are completely “Random and Ridiculous.”   I have to ease awkward silences and sometimes I don’t really know what I’m saying till it’s too late. For example here is just one uncomfortable situation I make even more unconformable with my chatter.

If you are a female you will know the yearly trip to the gynecologist is not the most fun and exciting thing. Someone inspecting your VA-jay jay and basically feeling you up with the breast exam is not something I look forward to but a necessary task. I sit in the waiting room filling out the question forms. I look around trying to guess who’s goin in. I mean I’m just killing time.  I scan the room. “you got to do it, you got to do it.” when I finely feel like I wasted time and should fill out the 100 questions they ask you.

1)      High blood pleasure?

Nope. I’m in the clear.

2)      Any sexually transmitted diseases?

Nope. I’m all clear on that as well

3)      Overweight problems?

Um….I will leave that blank Vagina Dr.

 

 

The list goes on and on till in gets to the fun questions. The ones that even though I know I’m a grown adult, I have to laugh to myself a bit. They ask about anal sex and multiple partners ect….

I was laughing to myself a bit at each question looking down at the boxes I looked pretty healthy and innocent. I can’t believe they have to know all this!? I keep laughing to myself when the girl next to me said…”what’s so funny?” I said “I wanna see the doctors face if he ever got a form with all the boxes marked yes.” Then I point to her boxes showing her what I was talking about when she quickly pulled it away right after I noticed all her check marks where on the other side. The yes side. She gave me a nasty look and got up and sat across the room. First uncomfortable vagina doctor moment, CHECK.  This was going to be a long appointment.

After they finely call my name the person comes in and tells me to undress and puts out a gown for me. I realize I opted on the granny panties dew to the laundry day.  Don’t give me crap you know what I’m talking about the underwear that are unbelievably comfortable but you wouldn’t want ANYONE (not even a vagina dr) to see you in them. Yep, had those on. They left me alone and undressed down to my underwear. Ok….did she say everything? Well they do have to the look at the goods. So I took them off but I didn’t know where to put them. HMMMM my shoe? NO GROSS! I have to put them back on. Put them in the pocket of my pants? No last time I forgot to put them back on. Hmmmm….I just tossed them on my pants and put my shirt and stuff on top.

The dr. comes in. OH GREAT. Why can’t I get a nice women or old man why do I have to get a handsome young doctor? Yep….going to make a fool of myself.  He asks the normal questions. I feel nervous and guilty. Like getting pulled over by the cops and
“No I haven’t been drinking” it’s the first thing I say. (true story)

He starts to do the examination and it’s the nervous silence I hate so I just start talking away. AND I CAN’T STOP!!!!!! “So, HELLO down there.” he lifts his head from the curtain. “Sorry?”  “No, just kidding.” He gives me an odd look and keeps going. “So, see any good movies?” I keep asking weird questions. “Don’t press the wrong button” And I’m the only one laughing in the room. He looks at my chart and asks me again if I’m on any medications. (hmmm why did he ask that lol) He starts the breast exam and I can’t shut up even though I should. “what’s the biggest boobs you have ever seen?” “So do they feel like normal boobs doctor?Cuz they are. I mean they are real. Normal is good”  Can't believe I just said that but I keep going. “You know when you have your period and your boobs hurt? Why is that? Wait you don’t get your period do you? Sorry! I’m mean not sorry you don’t because who would want one? I mean unless you do? Ok I’m shutting up now.”  It’s all over and he just starts to go over the last few questions. “you didn’t fill out your birth control” I laugh a little. “oh because I’m not on any. I’m married. See we just use pull and pray.” he gives me a VERY odd look. “what’s that?” and I continue “well, um….Pull out and pray you don’t get pregnant.” he begins to laugh and said….”can you say that again I have to write that down.” Ufffff finely someone with a sense of humor about this stuff. 
 I begin to feel a little bit better about myself. Yeah ok…I made a fool of myself but wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe since he knows I’m stupid I’ll go back to him next time.  As I walk out the nurse flags me down. Shouting “miss, miss” I stop and turn to her. “Excuse me miss, the doctor said you left this.” She walks away really fast and I look in the plastic bag and there are my granny panties.  I leave the office and vow to remember to ask for a girl next time.  

This is just SOME the random shit I say when I keep talking. I have so many stories like this it’s unbelievable.I think It’s like a nervous reaction to things. Although I did make a fool of myself that day (and alot of days) I know I can look back and laugh at it now. I sometimes wonder how I made any friends or had any boyfriends growing up. lol