My Experience With Fifty Shades
I’m not really for sex porn books. I mean let’s call it what
it is. Guys have magazines with naked girls on them and girls who are
stimulated more with their minds read books. (and this is not all because I’m
sure not ever man is a pervert or women) pffft. Yeah right. Ok sooooo…..I have
tried the “romantic novels” aka porn books before and they just didn’t do it
for me. I mean ……they never call body parts what they are and I have to figure
out what Fernando is lusting after and what a flower bud was. I mean I need it
all black and white. I once made it through half a chapter of a romantic novel
when I thought of how ridiculous it was and just put it down. What was the big deal with this book? I was
about to find out.
So I asked my husband to pick the book up for me. He was
already at the mall and I really didn’t want to put it on my kindle if it was a
heaping pile of shit. He came home and asked what the big deal with this book
was because when he bought it the teller started laughing a little. I took the
book from him and said….”sex porn book” his eyes got real big. “Jesus
Stephanie. Why couldn’t you pick it up.” I laughed a little (because I didn’t
even really know what the big deal was) and helped him put away the stuff he
picked up that day. Plus I don’t even like to go buy my own tampons. I think
everyone’s looking at me like… “mmmm she has her period” I will but I mostly throw it in the bottom of
my cart with a bunch of other shit I don’t need. It’s kinda like buying
condoms. You know if you only go in for that the teller is jugging you. Yes,
I’m immature, anyways,
After the day was about done and I put our son to bed I
opened up the book with a nice hot chocolate and started to read. Everything
seemed normal. No big deal. Sounds like the beginning to any normal book.
Little girl trying to make it on her own in the big bad world with no help and
her talking to a really rich man who no doubt sweeps her off her feet. Ok, I
have this book all worked out in my head. I read that much and wanted to hit
the hay. I thought what was the big deal with this crap?
The next day my husband and son were off on a trip to the
cabin. They wanted some father son time and I had to work so I had the house to
myself for a few days. I spent the morning how anyone who rarely has the house
to themselves do. I put on some very girly music on. Walked around in my bra and
underwear (because this is the only time I can) and pretended I was a rock star
singing to the songs very loudly. I had nothing better to do so I watched some
Kardashian's and ate weird fatty foods I’m too ashamed to eat in front of people
like cheese wiz.I am pretty much exhausted from dancing to “hit me baby one
more time” and decided noon was an appropriate time to get dressed. Well….yoga
pants and my husband’s shirt. I sit down in the bay window and start reading.
After a few chapters it’s getting a little hot with all the
sexual tension but not enough for me to really see why people were so worked up
over this book. About an hour into it things start to get really dirty. There
is no Fernando and they didn’t use the word flower the straight up said vagina.
I keep reading and my jaw drops. “do people really do this shit?” Well I guess
they have to. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way. I was in the cross
between thinking this book was horrible and not being able to put it down. I take
a brake to and gather my thoughts. I think this girl must have some serious
self-confidence issues to let someone treat her that way and He needs to go to
church or something. Let’s face it. I’m
not shy about sex or talking about it openly with girlfriends. I feel pretty
confident in the inner workings of the human body and I don’t think penis or
vagina's are inappropriate words. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a
grown man or women who are committed to enjoy sex. It’s not dirty to me and I
don’t mind talking about it but this….THIS was raising MY eyebrows. And that’s
hard to do.
I decided to get back to the book because there is no way I
was putting this down. I laugh a little to myself when I make it back to my
chair knowing that my husband went into the store to buy this. I open the book
and start where I left off. I can’t believe how bad this is and I can’t believe
where this is going. It’s all very erotic and I get the point now of an erotic
novel. Though I feel if I ever had the balls to write one I would totally put
“BOOK PORN” on it so people were not mistaken about what they were buying.
Things start getting really weird and naughty when I look up
and look over to see my boxer dog just sitting there staring at me. I look at
him back. “What are you looking at. Don’t judge me dog, you lick your own
balls. Stop it! Go on! GO away dog.” He keeps looking at me and I feel compelled
to hide the book in shame. I decided to
take another brake and take the dog for a walk so he could stop looking and me
and judging me and go back to licking his balls.
I get back home and get back to the book. They (if you read
this book) start talking about these metal balls. I couldn’t resist I have to
Google that. I told myself. Always good
to educate yourself on things you don’t know and I feel like what I was
picturing in my head was far worse than what it actually was. I typed it into
the computer and how wrong was I. I read about theses balls, looked at them and it took a few
minutes to figure out where they go…and OMIGOD they put that where? They were
not kidding around. I scroll down feeling a little naughty and feeling like I
will have to figure out how to delete my history on this computer or my husband
my get too excited for no reason. The doorbell rings. OMIGOD….slam down the
computer and look franticly on where to hide my book. I trip over my feet fall flat on my face stub my toe yell out "mother fucker" (so im sure the heard me on the other side of the door) jump up again like a super ninja as if nothing happend. My dog looks at my funny again. "you sit you jugeing dog. Act normal." I tell him like we are hideing a bomb. I look in the mirror and
pat down my hair and go to the door.
“Hello Miss, I wanted to see if you had any time for us to
talk to you about your heavenly father and his son Jesus.” I look up and whisper….”really,
It’s just a book.” The two look at me
and say “excuse me miss?” I let them tell me what all the fuss is about and I
try to listen. Let’s face it if your religion made you go door to door and
everyone slammed it in your face you would start to get a little upset. I let
them finish and when they ask to come in I’m not quite sure if I did closed my
computer and where I put my book. I mean would if I didn’t shut my computer and didn't hide my book well enough. There would be a lot
of Jesus saving that day. I had to get rid of them. I was going to tell them I
was atheist (and I’m not by any means btw)
but I paniked and I ended up with all the fuss telling them I was an astronaut and I
shut the door. They yelled. Jesus loves astronauts too. WHAT did I just say? I
was an astronaut? This book is making me
crazy. Interrupted my day of dancing and made me take the dog for an extra
walk.
I decided that I would finish this book. I committed myself
to finishing it. I was almost done and taking brakes and making sure that what I
was reading was really what I was reading when the phone rang. It was my
husband. “hey babe how are things.” I started laughing and explained to him
what I was reading and if he were to look on his computer the stuff I looked up
was for research only. He is flat out laughing at this point. “you’re reading
porn Steph.” I tried to explain to him that it was an erotic novel and not porn
but it was no use. We think too much alike and he poked at me a little more. So
I decided to read him a paragraph and see what he thought. “Holy shit. Is that
really in the book?” I started laughing. “yes” he was silent for a little bit.
I changed the subject because I couldn’t have one more person judging me. First
my Dog and then Jesus now my husband. He
reminded me what time he would be home and we hung up.
I finished the book that night and decide I should be a
little productive when everyone was gone so I cleaned the house and went
shopping. I feel like it was all over my face. That I was a teenager that got
caught looking at some porn. I felt like everyone new. I was just about to
check out when I see a lady maybe in her mid 70’s buying the second porn book
of the first I was currently reading. I looked at her and started laughing a
bit. Because I’m inappropriate like that. She looked at me and smiled and said.
“You wouldn’t be laughing if you haven’t read it yourself. You young kids think
you invented this stuff.” My jaw drops and I was for the first time in a long
time at a loss for words. I got out of line and back tracked to the book
section and added the second book to my cart.
So I guess everyone has their guilty pleasures and this one
was going to be mine. If Grandma can read it I can read it too. I did have to
strongly recommend this book to a couple people. You would be surprised at who
wants to read it. When my mother in law saw the book lying around and asked if
it was a good read I did hand it to her and said sure laughing a bit to myself.
She said….”I wonder what all the fuss is about.” My husband seeing my action quickly
grabbed the book from his mom’s hands and tossed it aside giving me the “I’m
going to kill you look” as he explained to her it was horrible and how much I hated
it.
So yeah….My name is Stephanie and I read Porn books. Lol
Soooo funny I almost PMP while I was LOL!!Good thing the Jesus people didn't knock on my door!
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