Things I Love/Hate or both

Things I Love/Hate or both

1)      Teen mom- Makes me look like a fantastic mom without fail.

2)      Marshmallow fluff- and underrated food group and also makes for some awesome fluffer nutters. (peanut butter and fluff)

3)      Super hero movies- because I secretly want to have super powers.

4)      Twilight- I got sucked in and now I’m way to emotionally involved with the books to not see the movies.  I had to read every book and see every movie. Go team Edward!

5)      My smart phone- I don’t know how life could have even happened before my E-mail, Facebook, etc. is all at my fingertips.

6)      Chelsea Handler- She’s way more inappropriate than me and she also makes her own name for her vagina.

7)      Taylor Swift- because her songs make me cry. If I need a good cry I put her on. Boom problem solved.

8)      My card night with my Girl Friends- because it’s less about cards and more about talking and booze but the first game is always still played so the boys stay seated. (most of the time)

9)      Easy Mac- so I don’t end up eating the whole box and am not tempted to add hotdogs.

10)   My Kindle- Because I can read perverted books and people can’t see what I’m up to.

11)   Yoga pants- Because they are the best thing ever invented since tampons. I never have a fat day in theses stretchy bad boys.

12)   Pugs- Because no matter what mood you are in you can’t look at a pug in its face and not laugh your ass off.  LOVE MY PUG!!!!!!!!

13)   Coffee- Because it’s crack to me. I can’t be a hot mess and so dysfunctional without it.

14)   The guy from the Notebook- Thank you for raising every woman’s standers of how a man should be. I do understand why all men might now hate you tho.

15)   Vodka- For allowing me to sit though stupid ass movies men think are awesome. –Star wars, Princess Bride, ALL WAR MOVIES, Die hard, Steven Seagal movies, and Miss Congeniality. (Why do men love that movie?)

16)   Shopping- When I’m out shopping and see someone I know and they are all like….” Oh My God, what are you doing here?” I look around to make sure I’m in fact in the mall and not in some inappropriate place I shouldn’t be. I am relieved and answer sarcastically “Oh, you know just hunting elephants, You?” lol….Shopping. Was I not invited? What are you doing here. Lol stupid Questions!

17)   People- people who put stupid things on facebook that I NEED to know the answer to. “So many bad things happened today.”  What….WHAT happened? What bad things? I can’t ask but need to know. It’s probably a life changing event. Maybe it’s devastating? People start ask/say…..”love you hun. I’m here for you. Call me.” “what’s up you know I’m here for you.” Then I ask to myself. Well that’s a bold statement facebook friends of hers. Would if she’s having a bad day because she just reviled she’s a serial killer. You going to ask her to call you and be there for her then. NO….uff stupid facebook. Dame you for posting half statements!  (2 days pass)   “BABE! It’s ok. This person I never talk to at all just had a bad day at work. Someone took her lunch. She’s not a serial killer. She just had to casually but publicly vent. I can sleep better at night now.”

18)   Peanut butter and Jelly in one jar- I think this sounds so cool when I pick it up. Boom…..one jar, all magic. Don’t have to worry about getting a new knife every time. Awesome but confusing. I don’t refrigerate peanut butter but you have to jelly. I never know what to do with it. I use it once then push it to the back of the fridge then when I do use it not fast and easy and full of magic. The peanut butter is so hard it rips the bread and there is never enough jelly. Peanut butter and jelly in one jar. FAIL!

19)   Peeps- I love marshmallows and eating them out of the bag can get you some dirty looks. Problem solved with Peeps!

20)   Flowers for no reason- I don’t know what it is but still brings me to tears when I see my husband come in with flowers just because. I get all emotional and my son and him both laugh at me. Still one of my favorite things.

21)   Snakes- I have this huge fear of snakes. Anything without legs on land is just wrong. They freak me out and even just to see them on television makes me squirm. I can handle spiders. I mean when I see one just walking around the house I scream for a moment but I can bring myself to kill it. OK….SPIDER I NEED A SHOE….. but if I see a snake it makes me almost want to pee my pants. I wouldn’t be able to see it and bring myself to look at it let alone kill it. I would rather be trapped in a room with a tiger.

22)   People who ask questions they don’t care to know. Ever been walking by someone you see every day. At work or whatever? They pass by you and say….”hey how are you.” As they are walking away obviously not wanting to know how you actually are. They ask…”hey what’s up?” And you say….”good, you” they say fine even if both of you are not fine. I just want to stop the next person who would say that to me….”how are you?” and before they walk away I actually tell them…”well not so good. I’m a little constipated. I am crabby so I think I might be getting my period and not looking forward to getting all bloated. You?”

23)   Runny away from kart stalkers. Ever go shopping and you see someone you know. A ex teacher or someone you haven’t seen for years and your duty is to say hi because you know the probability of running into them again is likely. You avoid them aisle to aisle and pretend you don’t see them till they find you. And it’s a big HI!!!!! And they look over to your kart to see what you got. Mmmmm cheese wiz and tampons Stephanie…moviein up in the world. To make matters worse (and this has happened) a fast trip to Wal-Mart with a toddler and you end up with the kart with a bum wheel. You try to turn and it makes a god awful noise and you run right into an ex-boyfriend when your toddler yells out “MOMMA FARTED”  “Stephanie how are you?”  he said eyeing his kart too…”Ah you know good, good. Kart full of chocolate and tampons and it appears I just farted.”

It's A God Thing

It's A God Thing

 

When did religion become such a negative thing? In this blog I’m not going to preach or prove things or judge people for the lack of or too much of or the wrong kind of religion. I am going to simply tell you my story and be honest like I do in every blog I write.

Growing up we went to church with our family. Just like the person down the street and up and down each block. My parents took me every Sunday and like every kid I would rather enjoy my weekend than wake up for church just to almost just to fall asleep hearing a guy up there talking about stories I just didn’t understand.  We prayed before we went to bed and before every meal. When I got older like most things I doubted stories people told me. I mean Santa and then the Easter bunny realizing your parents make mistakes....... anything was possible. I didn’t keep things in (as you can tell) I would ask my mom and dad with every question I had and in the end, ended up leaving my conformation class after disagreeing with the new pastor (who left after for alcoholic problems and a divorce) My parents surprisingly supported me. “You are old enough now to make that choice. Don’t go just to show up or show your face. You need to go because you WANT to.” My parents use to tell me. Ok easy…..I don’t want to go. FREE WEEKEND!

For all reasons and with no proof I should like most who has had bad experiences, left religion behind me. It would have been easy to do. Let’s face it, Jesus was not the coolest thing to talk about and faith and God became a myth with Santa, Easter bunny and the tooth fairy. Still I prayed. I didn’t pray to say Hail Mary’s (even tho I don’t know why you would say them) or the Lords prayer. I would pray like most people did at first. When shit hits the fan. When you are on the icy road and you’re scared and all you want to do is get home….”please God, please. Keep me safe.” I also would randomly talk to him. It was not in any formal way and I was sure I was doing it wrong. Some prayers started with….”Hey big guy in the sky.”  Lol But I always kept him in my life.

I would research other religions too. I wanted to know about the God or Gods others believed in. I mean would if I choose the wrong one? Would if I was born into a different family with different parents would I be religious or get taught another religion would that one be the wrong one and would God allow me to die because I was born not into non Christian family? Would my soul not be good then? I didn’t think so. I thought God was good. I knew he was.  I wanted to know about each Bible and other religions. I wanted to know about Buddha and the Khan. I wanted to know about old Gods and Goddess and the God a remote tribe in the Amazon. At the end no matter what place you were from “MOST” had a god who made them. They had a sense of right and wrong and how to live. No matter what the people do with that religion most was peaceful. The main core of most the teachings were to be peaceful and forgiveing. (I’m not an expert on religions but I did a basic history channel, book reading over view.) I thought… Maybe God  made and knew what he was doing and came to each person in the world in a different way but at the end of the day it was all the same.  Whatever way ,I believed in him.  It was something in the core of my being to know that is there. It’s something I couldn’t walk away or turn my back from.

As I got older I got closer to God. We had our chats. I felt left out not having a religion. I didn’t belong to people who didn’t believe because I did. In their eyes I was stupid and weak. (yes they have told me those exact words) I was put to test. Questioned and had to answer and me saying…”I don’t know I just believe.”  I couldn’t prove why so it was a problem to them. They called me a puppet and non-independent thinker. I was criticized because I had a child and not being married, so I couldn’t be religious. I had premarital sex and I was doing all these bad things so God couldn’t love me.   When I did talk about God to those who believed in him I wasn’t religious enough. I didn’t go to a church or belong to a religion. So I was kind of an outcast in both worlds.  I was not enough but too much. I didn’t care I kept the faith I had and believed because it is what I felt in my core was right and I didn’t care what others thought. BOTH SIDES! This was my choice. A number of years after I got a cross tattooed behind my left ear. It was a reminder of my faith and also something I thought was “cool” years after I got the last words of the “footprint in the sand” tattooed on my back. I loved that poem. It always reminded me of my personal relationship with the big man/women up stairs. Someone close to me said. “I don’t understand why you have religious tattoos on you. You don’t go to church so you can’t be religious.”  This pissed me off. If you did go to church that makes you a good Christian? I don't think so. If you are a true christian the first thing you would know was not to judge. I said… “You go to church every Sunday to show up. You go to pray. You go to get closer to Mr. Man up in the sky but I’m not saying I probably do need a refresher course but I believe. You are not more or less because you go or don't. It’s not your place to judge me or I you.” She just looked at me and said “yes it is” It made me sad that I couldn’t fit in. I didn't want to belong to a church that thought that way. Although my son was baptized catholic alongside my husband. I just didn’t belong. I didn’t want to just join a church for the sake of just going. That was defeat the purpose all together. This point it would be easy for me to walk away. Say forget it. I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone. But I couldn’t. I believed and I felt I had a personal faith I couldn’t explain when asked. So it’s not the coolest thing in the world. I just didn’t care.

Years past when I walked in to drop off my son to his religion class. I brought him because I wanted him to grow up knowing or being taught the basic things that I couldn’t teach him. It was important to my husband and me. After he was grown he could make his own choices but he had to start somewhere. I walked in the church and the Catholic Church and it’s both beautiful and intimidating. I didn’t belong there. It was then when I made a silent joke to the big guy upstairs of me probably bursting into flames when I ran into Father Keefe. This catholic priest reminded me of a mixture between Santa Claus and a Grandfather.  I had talked to him once before when my son was getting baptized. I turned the other way to avoid conversation. “Hello Stephanie.” I couldn’t believe he remembered my name. He asked if I needed anything and said we could talk sometime if it was ok with me. We set up a meeting. When I walked into his office he asked me to have a seat. We talked for a bit. I told him my dilemma and how though I wanted to belong I didn’t want to just jump into a religion I didn’t know anything about. He said it was ok. If I ever needed him for anything to just ask and he prayed with me and I went on my way. Every time after that when I came into the church for weddings funerals or anything else he would give me a hug and reminded me if he ever needed me.

About 3 years later I decided I wanted to know more about the catholic religion. It seemed intimidating but I was not a person to be persuaded or pushed into something so I knew this would be ok. When I called for Father Keefe the receptionist told me he was ill and I would have to speak with father Joe.  Great I found a jolly Santa priest and now I would have to start all over. I set up the meeting anyway. I walked into father Joe's office and sat down. He shook my hand and sat with me. “What can I help you with Stephanie?” I looked at him confused not having any questions ready for him. I simply said. “I don’t know.” He looked at me again puzzled. “Why did you come today?” He asked frankly. I looked at him and said again. “I don’t know.” I was sure he was ready to show me the door when I said. “Look I don’t want to waste any of your time. I have a lot of questions and as it would have it God is not really good at writing letters or sending e-mails so I don’t know how to get a hold of him.” He looked at me with a huge smile. He didn’t think I was nuts….first good thing. He laughed and said. “You’re really funny. Ok Stephanie ask me anything. Anything you want to know and I will do my best to try to answer your questions but first I want to know about you.”  I didn’t know where to start and I talk A LOT so I told him the basics and was sure not to leave anything out. I was sure now I would burst into flames glancing at my shirt every now and again to make sure. I told him the not so good stuff about me. I didn’t want to lie. I wanted him to reject me maybe. I kept talking and told him about my complete confusion about this whole thing.  I looked at him after and said. “So what do you think?  Goin to hell?” Again he laughs and said. “Well I don’t think this uniform gives me that kind of power.” I laughed to. Hmmmm a priest that jokes?   He said, “I think it’s brave of you to come in here and just tell me everything and be so honest with it. I think it’s strong of you to keep your faith when it’s easy to forget it. I don’t want you to join this church because someone you know is. Or you’re doing it just because you want to get married or use it for something . I want you to come because you want to be here. That’s why I’m so happy you are here. So often people come with a motive behind it. To show up at church to say they came. You want to be here, so far.”  I looked at him and said. “Well that’s the problem. I can’t believe in something I know so little about. I have this faith that won’t go away but I can’t just join something to just join. I need to know why you stand and kneel and do the cross movement. (I mimic it horribly) I need to know why you do what you do what it’s all about.” He looked at me trying not to laugh I think. “Ok Stephanie. Ask me what you need to know.” I asked everything. The stuff you shouldn’t I think. I asked about the reputation now days. (Priest and alter boys) I asked EVERYTHING. I didn’t leave anything out. I found myself when I was done passing around the room coming up with more and more questions. He sat there looking at me nodding.  All my questions about faith and why one religion would go to heaven but the rest to hell if you don’t choose this one or this one. When I was done I sat and slouched in the chair then said. “And I’m sure when I get to the car I will come up with 20 more questions.”  He looks at me with this huge smile on his face. I give him a frown….”So you guys don’t want me then?” He laughed again and said. “ok, Stepahine I have just the thing for you. I am going to send you to a class that will teach you the whys  and when and who’s and I hope that will answer all of these questions and more.  The class in once a week. If you feel at any time you want to leave and it’s not for you, you can leave at any time but I want you to come talk to me first and if you have any questions my door is open to you if there is anything you need. If this is not for you maybe I could just be some help for you in your quest for answers.”   Not so thrilled about the class's but I'm in. We shook on it. After leaving I felt relived.

The classes were amazing and I did raise my hand ALL the time and I did have to go to father Joe for some of them. The class was taught by a sister Jan who is amazing and still a dear friend. I have to say at no point did I ever feel forced into anything. At the end when at 28 I did get confirmed.  It was a very nice ceremony. It was humbling. He washed my feet in front of the whole church and I tried to talk him out of this saying feet were stink nasty but it was symbolism which I always enjoy. Jesus washed the feet of his despoils saying he was just a man and just like you or me. Father Joe did the same showing he was no better but just a man. I told father Joe my feet would stink as i tend to enjoy wool socks but it didn't faze him.  He laughed at me again and told me he was going to do it anyway. It was beautiful in the end. When we went through the old school ceremony I have to admit I did cry. More than cry I was kind of bawling. At the end I’m sure I will always be a little outside the box. I say things I sometimes shouldn’t like telling sister and father that Gay marriage wouldn’t be that big of a deal seeing as how God loves everyone. They never got into the politics but Father Joe hugged me and said. “That’s why I love you Stephanie.”  

In the end being catholic is not for everyone and I didn’t think it would be for me. They accept me and love me just the way I am. (and haven’t kick me out yet….so I think were still good.)

 Although they didn’t have all life’s answers for me I believe there are something’s we will find out when we die.  I believe it is your own personal thing that is just for you what you believe or not believe and part of just being a good person.  I think this world will always be full of good and bad people. Some people use religion to start wars or hate and sometimes they don’t but the point is doing what’s right for you. I have never tried to preach to people about the whys and how’s. I don’t want to judge a person on how they live their life or what they do. In saying that sometimes I get disappointed when the same respect is not given to me.

Am I the perfect Christian? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not by a long shot.  But no one is perfect and I’m ok with that. And at the end of the day I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I still talk the same to Mr. Man in the sky but I also have a few pretty meaningful prayers to go along with it. I may not ever fit into a box but I found some pretty amazing people along the way who love me just the way I am. And today after speaking to father Joe trying to find a church here (because we moved) joking around with him as always….”so if I can’t find one means I can sleep in on the weekends and just call you with any questions. You should really get a pager then I can get a hold of you. Do you text Father?”  It was good hearing him laugh at me again. “Ha, ha, Stephanie. I’ll look us some churches for you and see if we can find a good one. I miss you and Logan and Matt. Promise to come say Hi to me.”

It was good hearing him miss me. It was kind of like a family. So I guess even though God never called me back or sent me an e-mail when I was ready I found out just where I needed to be. It was then that I realized that bumping into Father Keefe that day was not a mistake. He was alive long enough to see me get up in front of the church and when I saw him after although he couldn’t speak then he gave me a wink. I could picture him saying…”I told you if you ever needed me.”  At his funeral I went up to his body and looked at this Santa, Grandfather of a man I thanked him. After I was confirmed I received a letter from the sisters in the convent in town. One told me she has been praying for me ever since she talked with father Keefe. When I realized how many years ago and what devotion that took I was humbled. It was good to feel accepted and loved just for the way that I am. That these people would believe in me and any choice I made and just love me for the way I am. I found where I needed to be. What felt right to me.

So maybe these days Jesus and God are not the coolest things to talk about. They are sort of like politics, a topic most will avoid. I hope that my son will have a relationship with God like I have. To know there will be doubt or questions but to allow him to make his own choices and love him regardless because that in the end is what it’s all about.

Father Joe and I

 

Mommy See Mommy Do

Mommy see Mommy Do

 

When did motherhood become a competitive sport? Being a young mother I didn’t know who’s advice to take and I constantly thought I was messing up my kid. “Be hard on him but don’t be too hard. Tell him no but don’t tell him no this way and this way and this way. Put him to sleep and walk away or pick him up and don’t walk away. Potty train them with authority but don’t use authority at all. Don’t bring him in the girls bathroom in a public area let him do it himself. Do you know what happens if you let your kids that go into the public bathroom by themselves? Don’t feed him that or this or that or NOT THAT. Feed him this way not that way. Use this bottle not this kind. Don’t do it this way do it this way? You’re not a good mom if you do this or this or this but you are if you do this.” I was sooooo ready to scream!  It was when my son was around a year old when I said FUCK IT!

 It all started when person in my life wouldn’t talk to me and was mad because they thought I wasn’t doing what she told me to do with my son. She was upset because I didn’t do what she asked. She was so mad in fact that she said I was a stubborn and selfish. When I told this person that this was MY son and theses were MY choices, shit it the fan. I told her not every choice I made would be the right one but I would never learn how to be a good mother if I didn’t try. There was no reasoning with this person she wouldn’t hear me. I gave up! I didn’t care if she thought I was a bitch. I knew what was right for us. Not her….US!  From this point on I didn’t care what one professional said or another one. I didn’t care if I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t care what people thought. I knew that I loved my son and I knew what was best for us and our family and although from time to time I do ask advice from people if I need help. (and I do sometimes and I don’t think that’s a weakness) For the most part I decided to do what I thought was best for my son. What we as a family choose and we block out EVERYTHING else out!

I would probably define myself as a laid back mom. I don’t force things like sports or different things upon my son. I tell him he should try everything once and if he hates it I wouldn’t make him do it again. Try baseball but if it’s not your thing, not a big deal. I was not the mother at the top of the water slide begging her kid to go down. I was the mom who said. "Come on we will try it once and if you hate it you don’t have to do it again. Daddy is at the bottom you won’t get hurt."  I say as I’m pushing him down. All is well when he hit the bottom. That’s how I can best describe my parenting “style”  I am laid back for the most part and as long as we do what makes us happy… all is well.

It was a number of years ago when my son really got into dressing up. When I say dressing up I mean FULL costume. It just so happened he decided to be a dinosaur that day. He was roaring around the house pretend eating army men when I realized we needed to go to the grocery store. I didn’t think twice and playing along with him I yell….”Hey dinosaur, you want to come with me to the store or do you want to go get human clothes on?” He pulls and me and growls again and I help him put on his shoes and growl back at him. I strap the full dinosaur into the car seat and set the tail to the side. We get to Wal-Mart and hand and hand in mid July Mr. dinosaur who also wanted to wear a backpack and sport a sippy cup, walk inside. People stare and I figure that much is normal and walk down all the aisle's till my list is done. I was standing at the checkout when a women talking to her husband said, “Mothers let their kids do anything they want these days. Look at that kid getting away with everything.” I look down at my son, sippy in hand growling at the chocolate milk. For one second I took what she said into consideration. Maybe I was being a bad mom by letting my kid have an imagination. I turn around and said. “I don’t find the harm in him playing why I shop. It’s not hurting anyone and he’s happy.” She rolled her eyes at me. We finished checking out when my son turns around and gives her a big GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She said “that’s what I’m talking about there. No manners.” I grab my son’s hand turn around and give her a big GRRRRRRR too. My son laughs and pulls at my arm so I bend down to him. “Momma dinosaur”  I smile. “yep momma dinosaur. 

He continued to dress up for a number of years. Most people just laughed at him. Imagine pulling up next to a full clone trooper  in the back seat next time you’re in the car. It just might make you laugh.

I think loving your child and wanting the best for them is a natural thing. I think all good mothers do. I also believe we don’t and will never parent the same way or even parent a second child as we do the first. I do feel like we do judge people to harshly without knowing them. The screaming child throwing a fit in the shopping mall may in fact be a spoil rotten kid your rolling your eyes at or they may be a child with a disability that can’t control it. Just because they may not do what you would do doesn't mean it's the wrong way. Just means its different from what you would do. THAT'S ALL!

While my child was growing from toddler to school age is when I felt the most judgment from fellow mothers. A mother told me once, “My child can do this and this because I choose this school and they went here and did this.” I felt like I was being a bad mother because I didn’t in roll him yet. Kid these days go through 2-3 years of preschool before they enter kindergarten. I didn’t know that. I felt bad for not doing that and ended up putting him in school too early for him and his personality and I should have gone with my gut and didn’t and regret that still to this day. I knew what was best for MY son and because I felt like I was doing something wrong I caved to the pressure. I also got lots of criticism for never putting my son in daycare. I stayed home with him for a year then took a wonderful job that allowed me to bring him to work with me every day. I thought I was lucky to find a job like that to be able not to miss a thing but also get him the social skill kids needed. I had more than one mom tell me what a mistake I was making. In the end I believe my son for the most part is a happy little man with respect and will say his please and thank yous and although he’s not perfect and no child is, I am so very very proud of the little man!

In the end you will always find someone who disagrees with what you happen to choose for your family. I believe if you feel it’s right and best for you and your child do it. Yeah…..we look pretty ridicules sometimes having a slip and slide in the middle of town in our yard going down it on a hot summer day as grown adults with a child. Yeah….my husband was playing super hero’s with his son and was mowing the lawn with a wolverine mask on with darth vador chasing him. Odd looking but my son loves it. You might drive by to find us having water balloon fights and playing bad mitten dressed as a clone troopers but we stopped giving a shit what people think and started caring what our son thought and our son happens to think the slip and slides and super hero’s are way cool!

My advice to any new mother is when they put that baby in your arms and your heart jumps out of your body and into theirs love them to pieces. Go with your gut. Do what’s best for you and whatever type of family you have. Have FUN with your kids. They are NOT mini adults and will only be a child for so long. They believe that the impossible is possible and there is magic in that. They dream so big and tell the best stories. They love you no matter what clothes you have on or how much you weigh or how you do your hair.  It doesn’t matter what new bottle you have or if they have the newest latest thing. They just want to be loved as long as you’re doing that you can’t go wrong. Don’t do “mommy see, mommy do” but do what’s best for you!

Being a mother is probably the best achievement I have ever made in my life. I am proud of everything he does! He is the funniest most caring, loving person I know and I’m happy to call him mine.

-I’ll love you forever bubie, sticky, peanut butter ,smelly face munchkin!-

Legend of the 3 wolves

 

 

Legend of the 3 wolves

 

On behalf of the human race I am about to reveal the greatest thing to happen to hillbillies, rednecks and trailer trash ever since nascar and mullets. It’s a little known secret in this small community that if revealed could alter our universe as we know it.

It a little thing called……3 wolves t-shirt.

To start I enclosed a few first hand accounts of buyers who have purchased this incredible wonder of the world t-shit online.

 

-By B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern"This review is from: The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee (Apparel)

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-Mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women

Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.-

-By Frank "The Frank" (Mount Ayr, Iowa) - The effect that this t-shirt has on women is pretty impressive. Unfortunately its natural healing powers reversed my vasectomy and I impregnated nine women in two weeks before I realized. They all had twin boys. Now I have 18 sons and spend most of my money on child support and condoms.-

-By J. Gossmann (Edmonton, AB Canada) -

(REAL NAME)    I used to keep my fanny pack stuffed with the usual survival gear: knives, nunchucks, etc. Now that I have this t-shirt, it's full of women's phone numbers! The secret is that this shirt imbues you with the musk of three wolves. Women are powerless to resist that! An added side effect is that the hair on the back of your head will grow 3X faster than the hair on top. This will give you that "predator" look every man desires! Now when I shotgun a six pack I don't just feel invincible, I know it's true..-.

These are real eye witness accounts. I know you think hillbilly’s only care about nascar, their awesome mullets and finding big foot but their ability to not give a shit and shop in Wal-Mart has maybe thrown this universe for a loop. I feel that it is my duty as a blog writer (that no one subscribes to) to reveal such a secret.

 It was said that a long, long, long and a little bit longer time ago..... one evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. “One is Evil – It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. “The other is Good – It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” This is when the boy said he would create a new wolf.  A wolf that he wouldn’t have to feed but put in the middle of both the wolves to absorb a little of both evil and good. That is the third wolf. When worn together the power is unstoppable. On a full moon the power is enhanced.

Time had passed and lets face it only hillbilly people loved their wolves on shirts. First one wolf then two and with the third the legend was awaken and all the magic of the wolf.

This is the legion of the 3 wolf t-shirt

 

Pictured is the shirt doing it's magic. (My sister and her wolf)

My Experience With Fifty Shades

 

 

My  Experience With Fifty Shades

 

So I had a few friends when this book came out who told me. “OMIGOD, You HAVE to read this!” I don’t really take reconditions from people because I like books about impossible things. I don’t want to hear about ww2 or people with cancer.  I want a light story maybe some murder or mystery and a few impossible things. Like super powers or wizards (yeah I’m a geek shut up) something just fun. Here is the thing. If I find too good of a book I will (and it has happened) stay up till 3am reading it because I HAVE to know! I will try to stop myself but I will skip parts when things get too scary, or high anxiety. I can’t help it. If it’s too good it’s not light reading. If it’s bad I still feel I have to finish it but it takes me forever. Right after a good book it’s hard to find one that will take its place. Sure there are books I read over and over again (Little Women) but it’s hard to find the one you are in the right mood for. So anyway, my friends kept saying I had to read this book. I have to say whenever someone tells me to read a book I am most always disappointed.  So I took their suggestions and said…”yeah I’ll have to read it” but never picked it up. It wasn’t until the today show when they started talking about how scandaless this was when I was like…”WHAT, I need to read it now”

I’m not really for sex porn books. I mean let’s call it what it is. Guys have magazines with naked girls on them and girls who are stimulated more with their minds read books. (and this is not all because I’m sure not ever man is a pervert or women) pffft. Yeah right. Ok sooooo…..I have tried the “romantic novels” aka porn books before and they just didn’t do it for me. I mean ……they never call body parts what they are and I have to figure out what Fernando is lusting after and what a flower bud was. I mean I need it all black and white. I once made it through half a chapter of a romantic novel when I thought of how ridiculous it was and just put it down.  What was the big deal with this book? I was about to find out.

So I asked my husband to pick the book up for me. He was already at the mall and I really didn’t want to put it on my kindle if it was a heaping pile of shit. He came home and asked what the big deal with this book was because when he bought it the teller started laughing a little. I took the book from him and said….”sex porn book” his eyes got real big. “Jesus Stephanie. Why couldn’t you pick it up.” I laughed a little (because I didn’t even really know what the big deal was) and helped him put away the stuff he picked up that day. Plus I don’t even like to go buy my own tampons. I think everyone’s looking at me like… “mmmm she has her period”  I will but I mostly throw it in the bottom of my cart with a bunch of other shit I don’t need. It’s kinda like buying condoms. You know if you only go in for that the teller is jugging you. Yes, I’m immature, anyways,

After the day was about done and I put our son to bed I opened up the book with a nice hot chocolate and started to read. Everything seemed normal. No big deal. Sounds like the beginning to any normal book. Little girl trying to make it on her own in the big bad world with no help and her talking to a really rich man who no doubt sweeps her off her feet. Ok, I have this book all worked out in my head. I read that much and wanted to hit the hay. I thought what was the big deal with this crap?

The next day my husband and son were off on a trip to the cabin. They wanted some father son time and I had to work so I had the house to myself for a few days. I spent the morning how anyone who rarely has the house to themselves do. I put on some very girly music on. Walked around in my bra and underwear (because this is the only time I can) and pretended I was a rock star singing to the songs very loudly. I had nothing better to do so I watched some Kardashian's and ate weird fatty foods I’m too ashamed to eat in front of people like cheese wiz.I am pretty much exhausted from dancing to “hit me baby one more time” and decided noon was an appropriate time to get dressed. Well….yoga pants and my husband’s shirt. I sit down in the bay window and start reading.

After a few chapters it’s getting a little hot with all the sexual tension but not enough for me to really see why people were so worked up over this book. About an hour into it things start to get really dirty. There is no Fernando and they didn’t use the word flower the straight up said vagina. I keep reading and my jaw drops. “do people really do this shit?” Well I guess they have to. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way. I was in the cross between thinking this book was horrible and not being able to put it down. I take a brake to and gather my thoughts. I think this girl must have some serious self-confidence issues to let someone treat her that way and He needs to go to church or something.  Let’s face it. I’m not shy about sex or talking about it openly with girlfriends. I feel pretty confident in the inner workings of the human body and I don’t think penis or vagina's are inappropriate words. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a grown man or women who are committed to enjoy sex. It’s not dirty to me and I don’t mind talking about it but this….THIS was raising MY eyebrows. And that’s hard to do.

I decided to get back to the book because there is no way I was putting this down. I laugh a little to myself when I make it back to my chair knowing that my husband went into the store to buy this. I open the book and start where I left off. I can’t believe how bad this is and I can’t believe where this is going. It’s all very erotic and I get the point now of an erotic novel. Though I feel if I ever had the balls to write one I would totally put “BOOK PORN” on it so people were not mistaken about what they were buying.

Things start getting really weird and naughty when I look up and look over to see my boxer dog just sitting there staring at me. I look at him back. “What are you looking at. Don’t judge me dog, you lick your own balls. Stop it! Go on! GO away dog.” He keeps looking at me and I feel compelled to hide the book in shame.  I decided to take another brake and take the dog for a walk so he could stop looking and me and judging me and go back to licking his balls.

I get back home and get back to the book. They (if you read this book) start talking about these metal balls. I couldn’t resist I have to Google that.  I told myself. Always good to educate yourself on things you don’t know and I feel like what I was picturing in my head was far worse than what it actually was. I typed it into the computer and how wrong was I. I read about theses balls, looked at them and it took a few minutes to figure out where they go…and OMIGOD they put that where? They were not kidding around. I scroll down feeling a little naughty and feeling like I will have to figure out how to delete my history on this computer or my husband my get too excited for no reason. The doorbell rings. OMIGOD….slam down the computer and look franticly on where to hide my book. I trip over my feet fall flat on my face stub my toe yell out "mother fucker" (so im sure the heard me on the other side of the door) jump up again like a super ninja as if nothing happend. My dog looks at my funny again. "you sit you jugeing dog. Act normal." I tell him like we are hideing a bomb. I look in the mirror and pat down my hair and go to the door.

“Hello Miss, I wanted to see if you had any time for us to talk to you about your heavenly father and his son Jesus.” I look up and whisper….”really, It’s just a book.”  The two look at me and say “excuse me miss?” I let them tell me what all the fuss is about and I try to listen. Let’s face it if your religion made you go door to door and everyone slammed it in your face you would start to get a little upset. I let them finish and when they ask to come in I’m not quite sure if I did closed my computer and where I put my book. I mean would if I didn’t shut my computer and didn't hide my book well enough. There would be a lot of Jesus saving that day. I had to get rid of them. I was going to tell them I was atheist (and I’m not by any means btw)  but I paniked and I ended up with all the fuss telling them I was an astronaut and I shut the door. They yelled. Jesus loves astronauts too. WHAT did I just say? I was an astronaut?  This book is making me crazy. Interrupted my day of dancing and made me take the dog for an extra walk.

I decided that I would finish this book. I committed myself to finishing it. I was almost done and taking brakes and making sure that what I was reading was really what I was reading when the phone rang. It was my husband. “hey babe how are things.” I started laughing and explained to him what I was reading and if he were to look on his computer the stuff I looked up was for research only. He is flat out laughing at this point. “you’re reading porn Steph.” I tried to explain to him that it was an erotic novel and not porn but it was no use. We think too much alike and he poked at me a little more. So I decided to read him a paragraph and see what he thought. “Holy shit. Is that really in the book?” I started laughing. “yes” he was silent for a little bit. I changed the subject because I couldn’t have one more person judging me. First my Dog and then Jesus now my husband.  He reminded me what time he would be home and we hung up.

I finished the book that night and decide I should be a little productive when everyone was gone so I cleaned the house and went shopping. I feel like it was all over my face. That I was a teenager that got caught looking at some porn. I felt like everyone new. I was just about to check out when I see a lady maybe in her mid 70’s buying the second porn book of the first I was currently reading. I looked at her and started laughing a bit. Because I’m inappropriate like that. She looked at me and smiled and said. “You wouldn’t be laughing if you haven’t read it yourself. You young kids think you invented this stuff.” My jaw drops and I was for the first time in a long time at a loss for words. I got out of line and back tracked to the book section and added the second book to my cart.

So I guess everyone has their guilty pleasures and this one was going to be mine. If Grandma can read it I can read it too. I did have to strongly recommend this book to a couple people. You would be surprised at who wants to read it. When my mother in law saw the book lying around and asked if it was a good read I did hand it to her and said sure laughing a bit to myself. She said….”I wonder what all the fuss is about.” My husband seeing my action quickly grabbed the book from his mom’s hands and tossed it aside giving me the “I’m going to kill you look” as he explained to her it was horrible and how much I hated it.

So yeah….My name is Stephanie and I read Porn books.  Lol

Never, Will I ever again!

 

 

 

 

 

Never, Will I ever again!

The first encounter I ever had with alcohol was at a friend’s sleep over when I was 13. She stole a few of her dad’s beers and we played a game called A, B, C. You sit in a circle and have a sip of the beer and pass it off beer after beer till the whole alphabet was said. Needless to say I cheated. The beer smelled bad and I thought something horrible would happen if I did have too much. God would come down and smite me. He split the clouds point his finger and I would most definitely die. One of the girls noticed my cheating called me out and needless to say I did have a few sips before the game was over. Nothing happened and I felt sort of cool doing something I shouldn’t (in this blog I am not condoning underage drinking but who am I kidding I just wrote about my vagina in the last blog so I think I’m in the clear.)

When my mom came to pick me up I was sure she knew. I just came out and told her anyways sure she would kill me after all God did spare me that night. She was not happy but said things like that happen and to not do it again and asked if I was hungry. Asked if I was hungry? What? She said she was happy I told her the truth about it.  This fact was very surprising to me because my parents didn’t have spare alcohol lying around the house because they simply didn’t drink around us growing up. She gave me a few lectures after that about if I got caught she would not bail me out and leave me in jail to learn my lesson. That was scary enough to not try it again for a while.  

From that point on I never really had anything. My graduating class and friends at age 15 ( for the most part) were good kids who never wanted to have a party or at least I was never invited to them. So it never was a big problem to avoid it. If I did in fact go out for any reason I MAYBE had a sip but never really got "drunk."

When I was younger my older sister was way cool. I mean she had a car, and a boyfriend and she had boobs before I did. So I definitely wanted to hang out with her. After a few days of pleading she agreed to take me to a party she was going to. She told me where it was and how to get there but she was most definitely NOT showing up with me. At this time I somehow retained a boyfriend who in fact did have a car and wanted to go to the party as well.  BINGO! I was so excited. I said I wanted to hang out with her and blend into the party. AKA…I wanted to get drunk. He asked what I wanted to drink. Trying to seem cool I just said…”beer,  whatever kind you like” He most definitely was probably trying to restrain from laughing and just pick up vodka and orange juice. When we got to the party I wanted to prove that I was cool just like my big sister. I mean we share the same genetics so why couldn’t I be? Oh yeah I was 15 and couldn’t shut up to save my life. I’m surprised I even had a boyfriend.  They allowed me to come into the party because I was “little Sister” and I proved my worth by having every shot or drink they handed to me. My boyfriend’s plan to make me a lot of orange juice and a little pinch of vodka failed.  About 2 hours in I was wasted. I mean DRUNK. The floor was spinning and I should have definitely gone home and called it a night. I was ready to. I wanted to go home and sleep it off. I wasn’t so sure about this getting drunk thing. I didn’t feel well.  So we headed out to the car.

Then like the clip from a movie in slow motion the cops pulled up. The words from my mom “I will NOT bail you out of jail” ran in my head and for some place in me I became a super hero. Sprang from my boyfriend’s hand and ran into the woods outside the house and kept running. I was NOT going to sit in jail and have my mom say I told you so. Only thing was I didn’t know where the hell I was going. In pre cell phone era there was no way I was getting anyone to find me. I bet my sister was panicked and I bet my boyfriend would come looking for me. Then out of nowhere I realized I had a fellow runner. The cops were shinning their lights so we panicked. We just walked into someone’s house and sat there. He was younger and was watching T.V. He looked at us started laughing then  said…”.um….what the heck” we ran out.  Ok , yeah I know looking at this now what the hell was I thinking. Just running into someone’s house? They could have shot me but with me thinking I’m a super hero I couldn’t risk it. About an hour of hiding to make sure we were in the clear and me wanting to just sleep at this point we walked back to the party. My sister was gone and my boyfriend had left seemingly seeing me run into the woods with a guy I guess made him mad and he left. How could they leave me?  NOW what?  I was alone and drunk for the very first time. I made my way to the house and I couldn’t call home for my sister, my mom would pick up. She could NOT know about this!  So, I waited till 6am to call my boyfriend’s house. His mom picked up and talked and talked, I thought to myself who is chipper this early in the morning? This is life and death! Wake him up women! After just saying….Yeah a few times to what she had to say she finely woke him up. He reluctantly agreed to picked me up.

 I had had no sleep my head was pounding and I swore I was never going to drink ever, ever, again. My defense mechanism for anyone mad at me is to be madder at them and they end up apologizing. I don’t know why I do it but I do. I let him have it right when I got into the car and him just laughing at me pissed me off but I quickly lost steam when the car started moving and the earth would not stop spinning.  At this point I was just glad that I would be going home.

I make it to the house stumbling to the front step. I looked up, Why did the sun have to be so bright today?  I was hot and sweaty and I smelled really bad. My mouth was dry and I was totally convinced I was slowly dying of alcohol poisoning. Shamefully I walked inside the house. My mom’s Sunday cooking is just death to me. Bacon, eggs, sausage the works. The smells making my stomach turn.  She never cooks this much food and while everyone in the house was smirking at me I paid no attention to them. I want to hide in a cold dark place and die. I tell my mom I was sick and needed to go lay down. About 15 minutes after she woke me up and said I had to come down to eat. She told me to get my butt downstairs, NOW!  In a voice that I know if I didn’t do it she would most definitely kill me if I wasn’t dying already. I didn’t want her to know I had done anything wrong so I went downstairs. She fixed me the biggest breakfast ever and made me eat it. She literally sat there and made me eat every bite.  She knew I was hung over because she was also a super hero and knew when I was lying and was waiting for me to walk through the door. I was NOT going to admit it and after all the flu can happen any time anywhere. She could not win I would prove her wrong that I was not hung over. I ate every bite to prove my point. She kept making me food and banging pans and saying we had no Tylenol.  I put my head down in defeat and said……” FINE you win! You win! I had drinks and shots and my head hurts and I want to sleep and I’m sorry just don’t make me eat any more food you cruel, cruel women.”

She took the food away and replaced in with a glass of water and Tylenol. She explained to me that all of the horrible things that would happened if I kept on this road. She reminded me about not bailing me out of jail if I ever got caught. This was not my mom’s first rodeo. I was the middle child and her saying “don’t ever do this” would just make me want to. She said…”look I know you shouldn’t ever drink and you know you shouldn’t but we both know you will. I don’t want you to but the key to this is you telling me the truth. You EVER lie to me you won’t ever be going anywhere ever again. You will experiment from time to time and I can’t help that but you NEED to be honest with me. If I tell you no, you will lie and do it anyway, case and point you right now at this table.  In saying that I am not giving you permission. You understand me?”  I shook my head yes the best I could.  “oh yeah and if I ever ketch you ever doing drugs I will kick your ass myself.” LOL…..my mom never swore, EVER.  Looking at her this short little Irish women yelling at me saying she would kick my ass made me laugh for a moment. It was quickly replaced with the feeling of my breakfast coming back up. After a day of hugging the toilet and yelling at my boyfriend telling him what a dip shit he was for leaving me things were all was normal again.

This story should have a good moral saying that I did learn my lesson and never ever in life again touched alcohol ever again. All of my “never ever, will I do this again” did end up in a few embarrassing moments. Splitting my pants running away from the cops. Getting electrocuted by a fence trying to climb it. Telling everyone how much I love them ALL the time!  (Add me not being able to shut up times 100 now that’s funny)  Dancing and thinking I’m a rock star in public. Oh, there’s the one time I puked all over a crushes car. Yep….all over the front seat and wind shield. How do you live that one down? YOU CAN’T!!!!!Trying to appear cool after that was just no use. I said never will I ever a lot after that.  Lol… Singing in public and this is just to name a few. I do look back at how stupid I was and how cool I thought I was doing all this shit. Honestly for the most part I shouldn’t even be alive.  I do have to say my mom never had to bail me out of jail. So she never had to say “I told you so” Most importantly I did for the most part stayed away from drugs because let’s face it who wants a short little Irish women kicking her ass? Should I have been more responsible?  Hell yes, but this is shit you realize when you’re older.

Side note- To this day I still can’t have a screwdriver. (Orange juice and vodka)

- I'm not glorifying underage alcohol use in any way shape or form. I am telling MY story of the stupid shit I did. Take what you want from it or.....don't read the blog. :-) Thanks...loves you, smiley face, hugs and kisses, xoxo

 

Why Can't I Shut UP?

 

 

Why Can't I Shut UP?

 

 

There is one thing about me I think people who know me really well know, and that is that I can’t shut up. (Hence the blog) but, no really. Whenever I am put into awkward situations I panic and automatically have to try to tell a joke. Sometimes they make sense sometimes they are completely “Random and Ridiculous.”   I have to ease awkward silences and sometimes I don’t really know what I’m saying till it’s too late. For example here is just one uncomfortable situation I make even more unconformable with my chatter.

If you are a female you will know the yearly trip to the gynecologist is not the most fun and exciting thing. Someone inspecting your VA-jay jay and basically feeling you up with the breast exam is not something I look forward to but a necessary task. I sit in the waiting room filling out the question forms. I look around trying to guess who’s goin in. I mean I’m just killing time.  I scan the room. “you got to do it, you got to do it.” when I finely feel like I wasted time and should fill out the 100 questions they ask you.

1)      High blood pleasure?

Nope. I’m in the clear.

2)      Any sexually transmitted diseases?

Nope. I’m all clear on that as well

3)      Overweight problems?

Um….I will leave that blank Vagina Dr.

 

 

The list goes on and on till in gets to the fun questions. The ones that even though I know I’m a grown adult, I have to laugh to myself a bit. They ask about anal sex and multiple partners ect….

I was laughing to myself a bit at each question looking down at the boxes I looked pretty healthy and innocent. I can’t believe they have to know all this!? I keep laughing to myself when the girl next to me said…”what’s so funny?” I said “I wanna see the doctors face if he ever got a form with all the boxes marked yes.” Then I point to her boxes showing her what I was talking about when she quickly pulled it away right after I noticed all her check marks where on the other side. The yes side. She gave me a nasty look and got up and sat across the room. First uncomfortable vagina doctor moment, CHECK.  This was going to be a long appointment.

After they finely call my name the person comes in and tells me to undress and puts out a gown for me. I realize I opted on the granny panties dew to the laundry day.  Don’t give me crap you know what I’m talking about the underwear that are unbelievably comfortable but you wouldn’t want ANYONE (not even a vagina dr) to see you in them. Yep, had those on. They left me alone and undressed down to my underwear. Ok….did she say everything? Well they do have to the look at the goods. So I took them off but I didn’t know where to put them. HMMMM my shoe? NO GROSS! I have to put them back on. Put them in the pocket of my pants? No last time I forgot to put them back on. Hmmmm….I just tossed them on my pants and put my shirt and stuff on top.

The dr. comes in. OH GREAT. Why can’t I get a nice women or old man why do I have to get a handsome young doctor? Yep….going to make a fool of myself.  He asks the normal questions. I feel nervous and guilty. Like getting pulled over by the cops and
“No I haven’t been drinking” it’s the first thing I say. (true story)

He starts to do the examination and it’s the nervous silence I hate so I just start talking away. AND I CAN’T STOP!!!!!! “So, HELLO down there.” he lifts his head from the curtain. “Sorry?”  “No, just kidding.” He gives me an odd look and keeps going. “So, see any good movies?” I keep asking weird questions. “Don’t press the wrong button” And I’m the only one laughing in the room. He looks at my chart and asks me again if I’m on any medications. (hmmm why did he ask that lol) He starts the breast exam and I can’t shut up even though I should. “what’s the biggest boobs you have ever seen?” “So do they feel like normal boobs doctor?Cuz they are. I mean they are real. Normal is good”  Can't believe I just said that but I keep going. “You know when you have your period and your boobs hurt? Why is that? Wait you don’t get your period do you? Sorry! I’m mean not sorry you don’t because who would want one? I mean unless you do? Ok I’m shutting up now.”  It’s all over and he just starts to go over the last few questions. “you didn’t fill out your birth control” I laugh a little. “oh because I’m not on any. I’m married. See we just use pull and pray.” he gives me a VERY odd look. “what’s that?” and I continue “well, um….Pull out and pray you don’t get pregnant.” he begins to laugh and said….”can you say that again I have to write that down.” Ufffff finely someone with a sense of humor about this stuff. 
 I begin to feel a little bit better about myself. Yeah ok…I made a fool of myself but wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe since he knows I’m stupid I’ll go back to him next time.  As I walk out the nurse flags me down. Shouting “miss, miss” I stop and turn to her. “Excuse me miss, the doctor said you left this.” She walks away really fast and I look in the plastic bag and there are my granny panties.  I leave the office and vow to remember to ask for a girl next time.  

This is just SOME the random shit I say when I keep talking. I have so many stories like this it’s unbelievable.I think It’s like a nervous reaction to things. Although I did make a fool of myself that day (and alot of days) I know I can look back and laugh at it now. I sometimes wonder how I made any friends or had any boyfriends growing up. lol