The Gym

 

So I get all excited to work out. With a full stomach I totally commit myself to cooking better and working out! (and I hate that!) I mean I don’t mind if I know I’m not working out. Going swimming, hiking, ect….it’s fun and you just don’t know you’re working out. Standing on a treadmill with everyone around you kicking your ass….buzz kill.

So I committed myself to a gym. Come in all pumped up. Got some Kanye West in my ears. You know the song…..stronger. “that won’t kill me, only makes me stronger” Got my yoga pants on (never did yoga in my life but they are sooooo comfortable!) I’m pumped gunna do this! Get on a treadmill next to an old lady. Ok safe spot. I’m young I will feel awesome next to her. Set the machine to 15. A nice walk jog. I look over at the older women next to me. She’s at 35 on her treadmill. Pfffft I can do that. Set it to 30. Omigod, "I’m dying. This is too fast too fast. This old women can’t beat me. Ok 35." I (and no kidding) almost fall off the machine after just 15 minutes. Sweat pouring down. I didn’t know I was this out of shape. I’ll walk it off around the track and turn up my Kanye. So…..ok on the track there is a walk, jog, run path. I was walking on the run path. Biggest mistake ever!!!!!!!!!!! Never mess up someone’s workout. I was walking on his run. I couldn’t hear him coming because my ears are in and Kanye is telling me this wont kill me and only make me stronger. So I got a nice shove. I should have had on a tag. “Hello My Name Is- dumbass.

After a few more workouts maybe I’ll take a nice hot tub.  Get my swim gear on. Put my hair up. Lay my back down. Let the bubbles go over my body. Awwwwww this is heaven. I look over to the others in the hot tub. Don’t want to be rude. Maybe strike up a workout pal convo. Have some workout friends. I look over and they are naked. Yes….naked. Just sitting there in the hot tub. Don’t get excited male readers I’m not talking about the pillow fight, sleepover, sexy pajama, sexy hot tub hot (that you all this we do in our spare time) Nope…..old lady old boob lady hot tub. Yep……naked. All of it just hanging out. I realized  2 things while trying not to be rude and run out of the hot tub screaming. 1-old women saggy boobs float. (not a pretty image) and 2-I was basically sitting in a tub of old vagina. So far this was a big fail. I would rather take my dogs for a walk or play with my son outside and not know I’m working out. After I get out I HAVE to take a shower and wash old women off me.

If anyone belongs to a gym you know how small the towels are. You can either cover boobs or vag. You can’t cover both at once. I just roll my eyes and add this to the list of things I hate about working out. So I go to the locker to change and about 5 women are standing next to me. I feel like (for their benefit ) I should hide the goods. I take two towels and try to maneuver my wet swim suit off and still stay somewhat covered. The girls around me…..don’t care at all. They are having normal conversations naked.  The girl to my left (who is going all 70’s afro downtown and proud of it) puts her leg up on the bench to dry herself off.  Just hanging out. And I’m sure you guys are thinking…”well just don’t look” it’s totally the plane crash syndrome. You don’t want to EVER see it but you can’t help but watch it crash. This is very much the situation. So being my normal typical self I make conversation with 5 middle age naked women around me. I just put my clothes back on and figure I will shower at home.  I sort of a run jog out of the locker room. I felt proud of myself for the workout but wanted to get the heck out of there!!!!!!  Just as I’m leaving a see a mom running around by the front door. She stops me and said “you wouldn’t happened to see a little boy age 3 running upstairs naked would you?"

Ummmmm what?  Yep I’m out!