My Random Brain Thoughts

My Random Brain Thoughts

 

       

-          I have come to the conclusion that my problem in life is I generally have really good bad ideas.

        

-          I show love to my pug by hugging him so tight while whispering in his ear how much I love him while he scratches the shit out of me trying to break free.          

-          You don’t realize how much you use the letter “F” on your keyboard until it falls off.

         

-          I want the movie voice guy to read me bedtime stories. Things would be so exciting.

        

-          It’s funny when you notice that Batman’s parents got killed when he was Lil Wayne.

       

-          I am in such a good mood until; I realize its laundry day. I begin to slouch, get a headache and I regret so much in life and think of what other way cool stuff I could be doing while matching endless socks.

         
-I put on red lipstick and walk around trying to channel my inner Taylor Swift, but I only end up looking like Miranda Sings.

-          Best way to find something lost is to buy another one. Like magic it shows up.

        

-          I want to know who is the asshole that keeps breaking into my house?! Every time I ask a question to where something went or who destroyed something and everyone in the house is all like…..“I didn’t do it” who did? Who is this guy/girl that eats all the Cheetos and wipes boogers on the sofa and spills bright blue juice on the rug? Who would do that?

        

-          People are all like… “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” Well, I am not dead yet and I still can’t open a jar on my own or kill a spider.       

-          My goal weight is what I actually what I put on my license.        

-          People ask me advice all the time and I always give them a warning first. I say, “Just so you know my socks are currently not matching and I haven’t washed my hair in 2 days and sometimes I like to take cheese in a can and spray in directly into my mouth. Now we have that out of the way do you still want to proceed?”

 
- You know your full of shit all the time when your own mother questions your sanity. Soooooo.......I'm on vacation in South Padre and see the most beautiful tropical bird on random going to the local grocery store. I go up to the person and ask to hold it and the bird loves me. We are soul mates!  When my mom comes out of the store the bird is gone but I continue to tell her the beautiful story about this beautiful big bird that I fell in love with. Her response is..... " What's wrong with you? Are you high"  Pffffffft..... Good thing I take pictures of everything.

-          In a fit of frustration I text my husband… “You’re an asshole” and he types something sweet back and I blame my outrage on auto correct. “silly auto correct, that was supposed to read, you are the best person I ever met in my life and I love you!”

-          On our vacation to south padre I recently discovered the most amazing invention in the world at my cousin’s house. A Pina colada maker. It ruined all Pina coladas for me for life. It was so good that now when I order my favorite tropical drink anywhere else it’s just shit. I can’t make it because it just isn’t the same and the machine is too expensive to only use it for that reason. I would want to get my total money’s worth use out of it.  So every day would be Pina colada day and people would find me drunk all the time singing into my tropical umbrella. I think it almost might be worth it!?

-          I love the self-checkout line at Walmart. Its where I go to buy everything you don’t want people to see you getting. Like just going the the store to by tampons, anti poop or diarrhea medication. But because life hates me EVRYTIME I try to use it the red light goes on and the lady comes over and can’t get it to work and they call another person over and another until they inform me I used the “cash only line” and would have to wait in line for another line to use my card. I have to take all of the items out of the bag and move to another line. It defeats the purpose for my fast and EASY retreat and I have to rescans them at another “fast checkout” line. I simply whisper…… “Why dose life hate me?”

-          I am home alone and hear a noise. I automatically scan the room for a safe and hasty exit and when I become brave enough to check out the noise I send the dogs in first and if they make it back alive and go in saying things like, “Uff this gun I casually carry around the house for no apparent reason is heavy.” And when I realize it was just the dryer I yell at the dogs for overreacting.

-          Never have I ever………… ate a whole thing of mint Oreo cookies and as my husband walks in toss the empty container to the floor and shout….. “bad dog”   

-          When people ask me what my favorite music is I am too ashamed to admit what I actually listen to. I still like the causal boys 2 men on my playlist. So I start naming bands that are cool I that I have no clue what songs they sing.

-          Whenever I look at a magazine and see a beautiful girl with unattainable beauty I remind myself that everyone in the world has diarrhea from time to time and it makes me feel better about life. “WOW!!!!!!  She’s so beautiful, but she poops so we are not so different.”       

-          I recently saw a quote on Facebook that said. “Don’t let anyone treat you like you are a yellow starburst. You are a pink one dammit.” And now I know I have been mistreated my whole life and it’s all because I am the only one that prefers the yellow starburst.      

-          Whenever  I wake up my hair takes on this…..”Rocker” vibe. Everyone is always like…. “Looks like a rat’s nest.” I don’t know about you but I don’t believe I have ever seen a rats nest and I would be more concerned about your living conditions when you frequent the occasional rats nest as to compare my morning hair do too. Just sayin.

-          My guilty pleasure is Justin Timberlake. Just makes me wonder what his guilty pleasure is. I picture him wearing short, shorts dancing around his house to “hit me baby one more time” It makes my unhealthy obsession seem ok.

         

-          Whenever making new friends I always give them a warning first. “Just because I’m up front I am now warning you that I am not normal and I say weird shit.” And then when I say something completely out in left field they look at me like I’m crazy and I always bring up that I did warn them. The best of friends for me though is when I find someone crazier than I am and instead of weird look I hold them in a tender embrace and whisper……. “where have you been all my life”